We were huddled around the scorching campfire drinking hot chocolate and laughing. Huge blankets covered our bodies as we leaned out of the comfort and warmth of our chairs to roast marshmallows. Smiling, we reminisced on the time we travelled to New York in search of finding the perfect grade 8 graduation dresses…
Our ears popped as the plane dipped down to descend to land. I stared out the window at the beautiful landscape I was about to discover and devour. Excitement ran through my veins as we stepped off into New York City.
My aunt’s gift to her nieces and nephews – there are five of us – is a trip to wherever she is living – before it was Los Angeles, now it’s NYC – prior to our grade 8 graduation and again before our grade 12 prom. She also pays for a friend to accompany us, so I decided to bring Allison, my best friend at the time.
My aunt Jane greeted us with a Starbucks drink and took us to her place to drop off our bags and settle in. We were not home for ten minutes before Jane pushed us out the door and into the awaiting taxicab. She took us shopping in New Jersey and downtown New York City. We visited F.A.O. Schwartz, the largest toy store in the world, Central Park, the famous underground Apple store, and a Broadway show. One event in particular I will never forget.
The three of us were shopping and browsing in Times Square enjoying the warm sun on our faces and the hum of people around us. Standing in the centre island, between the bustling cars of NYC, was a man wearing nothing but a pair of briefs, cowboy boots and hat, and a guitar on his back. We passed by him while crossing the road and decided to stop and watch; we were intrigued to find out what exactly he was doing. He was nearly naked playing guitar and taking pictures with passersby’s for money. My aunt handed him a few bills and I felt his arm clasp around my shoulder for a picture.
The word “workaholic” describes my aunt quite well. She has been married to her work from the beginning, which has made her very successful. From living in Japan as the head of Disney, or in LA as the president of Gaiam yoga company, Jane’s life never fails to amaze me. Just the other day she texted me a picture of a fashion show she was at with celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston and Matthew McConaughey. She truly is living “the life”.
Aside all of the successions in work, Jane is one of the most caring and loving people I have met. She hasn’t lived in Canada since before I was born, but she never misses an opportunity to come home and visit. She has forever been like a second mum to me, giving me advice and letting me confide in her. Whether she is on a business trip on the other side of the world, or visiting old friends in California, she always takes the time to quickly text me to say hi.
She is someone I will always look up to if I ever need help, or need someone to talk to, or just want to chat with. Her impact on me will forever stick with me.
Okay, that story would be hard to believe if you didn’t have the picture to prove it. Then again, it is New York City, a place where the unusal does not seem so out of place.
The writing style is quite good (use of the dash is accurate), and you do capture the sense of enthusiasm for going to New York as well as the love you have for aunt Jane. However, you can also bring out more specific details. If it’s a travel piece, then write more about how you were changed by the experience. Or, you can write about why New York is ingrained into the North American psyche as its most important city. Is there a New York “culture” that you can write on from a teen’s point of view? Is this sense of New York culture exaggerated? I don’t know, but that would be for you to potentially tell readers.
Along the same lines, if this piece is more of a profile, then you could offer more specific details on your aunt. She’s a remarkably successful women who is “making it” in a world (corporate environment) that is still dominated by certain mindsets (the male mind, I think). Is there some distance between you in terms of values? If not, how has the closeness been maintained over the years? Readers would want a more particular focus on key aspects of your aunt’s life. It’s not quite there. If you are doing this as a profile, you would have to bring out more literary elements (think of an establishing image to introduce your aunt as her human qualities–looks, voice, her warmth or detachment, her values, her mannerism–remain somewhat vague).